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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28067901">What's a God to a Goose?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/elseifstars/pseuds/elseifstars'>elseifstars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hades (Video Game 2018), Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Untitled Goose Game Fusion, Gen, Goose saves the day, Humor, this fic really is just 'goose wrecks things', zagreus still doesn't know what birds are</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:07:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28067901</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/elseifstars/pseuds/elseifstars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a beautiful day in Elysium and you are a horrible goose.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>95</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>533</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>All Around Feel Good Fics</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What's a God to a Goose?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For everyone else stuck in the Hades game: I see you! I love you! I believe in you, and here's a goose to lend you a helping...honk?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> It's a beautiful day in Elysium and you are a horrible goose.</p><p>You are a goose in the house of Hades. It is dark. There are green ghosts, but you cannot bite the ghosts. There is a bowl of bones, but a large dog has it, so you cannot bite the bones. There is a table with diamonds and gems, but the table is too tall to reach, so you cannot bite the gems.</p><p>There is really a tragic lack of biting, all in all.</p><p>You run into the next room. There is a skeleton standing by many weapons. And beside those...</p><p>HONK! You do not care for weapons! You are a goose! You grab the shiniest thing in your beak and run, pat-pat-pat, down the hall and out the door into Tartarus.</p>
<hr/><p>Tartarus is dark. There are big blobs and little skulls and skeletons with bombs. Bad guys? Bad guys are nothing to a goose! You step on weighted pad - plonk! You honk at support beams -- crash, bang! Everyone dies! You are a good goose. You are a talented goose. You are the Boss Goose and these strange birds need to learn that.</p><p>There is a glowing shiny orb. Shiny thing! You peck it. </p><p>"Hello, Prince Zagreus," says the orb.</p><p>You are not Prince Zagreus! Silly orb.</p><p>"We in Olympus share a boon with you."</p><p>There are three things! You peck one. It makes your feathers shiny. Now, when you honk, everyone falls down! How nice to be a goose.</p><p>Oh! And sometimes, when you honk right, there is FIRE. Little diamond fire! It flies far and hits people and then they go away forever! It is SO good to be a goose.</p><p>There is a funny man with a rock. Ha! You honk at him and he gives you bread. He is a good rock man. You poop on his rock in thanks.</p><p>There is a tall man with a cloak. He has three things in front of him. Including bread! Nice bread! You take it. He tries to chop off your head but you hiss with your tongue and he makes a distressed moaning sound. What does that matter? You have the bread! You run through the door as a happy goose.</p><p>Strange bird in the next room! Only one wing! She seems angry and confused.</p><p>"...Mrrr??"</p><p>You honk back. This is a fun game.</p><p>"...mrrdrr..."</p><p>Hmm. Less fun now! </p><p>She tries to throw things, but you honk back, paddle over spiky floor and let her chase you round and round. This is a strange game. She throws balls but they don't look fun to catch, so you hiss at them and send them back. BAM! She falls flat on her face. This would not have happened if she had respected the goose.</p>
<hr/><p>Up the stairs, one two three, and now everything is flames! Too hot! Skeletons with bombs try to explode you, but you are quick and can fly, up and up! Things try to catch you by running into the flames, then burn to a crisp. Oh good! </p><p>There is a hole in the ground. You jump in. Ow!</p><p>A strange big being wants to talk. You honk at it.</p><p>"Oh," says the being. It has too many voices. Too loud! "Oh, this is <em>delicious. </em>Hello, little goose. I am Chaos."</p><p>You honk. Does it have bread? You do not care if there is no bread.</p><p>None of the three things are bread. Mean Chaos. You peck one and jump back in another hole, and now...</p><p>Oh! Now when you peck people, they look even MADDER. Delights! You peck them more and they vanish faster. Which means there are shiny coins! You pick them up. </p><p>There is a lady singing a song. She is making soup! You honk and honk for soup outside her room, but there is just a wall and she does not open the wall. Rude singing lady! You back up and charge it with all your might, flop down at the lady's feet. She looks surprised. Why should she be surprised? You are a goose, and you are king of the Underworld.</p><p>There is a nasty big bone snake after that. You do not like bones. Not as good as bread. Oh well! You run round and round and the snake head tries to pet you, but you do not wish to be pet. You are not a pet goose, just a goose. You honk and the bones fall down, and then you peck them to bits. Nice try, silly bones! </p>
<hr/><p>Up the stairs and now it's green! Oh, green is nice. Lots of green grass, like parks!  Only here no one gives you bread. There are all sorts of shiny butterflies, but they burn when you touch them. Angry men chase you. You are used to angry men chasing you. They chase you when you steal the pretty knives off the food tables back home, too. You honk and run in circles, then peck them from behind. So silly!</p><p>There is another shiny orb. You peck it.</p><p>"Prince Zagreus, we can't see much down there, but..."</p><p>You are not a prince! You peck a thing. Now you have GLOWING shiny feathers! If you run fast, things bounce back and hit the angry men. You hope you can keep this next time you steal shiny knives back home.</p><p>There is a sad man. He's muttering something. You don't care what. He has a pretty ribbon! You take it. He looks confused.</p><p>"Are you dead, little one?"</p><p>Silly sad man. You cannot be dead! You are a goose. Oh! And he has food! It is jerky, not bread, but it is still tasty! This is probably bad for geese, you think. Oh well! Pat-pat-pat through the next door.</p><p>There is a man with a big scary stick here! You hiss at him.</p><p>"...you aren't Zagreus."</p><p>Oh finally! Someone understands! Never mind, you like the scary stick man. Big mean people come, and he kills them for you while you run around and pick up coin. Hurray! So good to be a goose.</p><p>"Where's Zagreus?"</p><p>Stick-man asks stupid questions! You honk and he doesn't fall down, because he's floating. Sad. But! Off through the next door!</p><p>There is a bull-man and a shiny man. They look at you.</p><p>"...my king, I am not fighting that," says the bull-man. He walks away.</p><p>"Ah-ha! You think you will fool us this way, foul villain?"</p><p>Oh. The shiny man is too loud. You run fast so his shiny stick hits him a bunch of times. Goodbye, loud man! You poop on his head and run, up up up!</p>
<hr/><p>Now it is cold! And wet! And there is...there is...</p><p>A Dog.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>No, no, no. This is the dog who kept the goose from pecking at the bowl of bones! You are a goose, but you do not like dogs. You run to the left instead and through one of five doors.</p><p>There are rats! You honk at them over and over. There are nasty jars that throw things! There are stupid goats! All the rooms are too small and none of them let you fly. You hop in a tiny bowl full of shiny water and honk sadly, so sadly. </p><p>The door opens. </p><p>There is a man! A fast man! Zip, and a rat is gone; zap, and a goat is gone, clink-crash, the nasty jars shatter and fall to the ground! He stops in front of you and stares.</p><p>"Hello there," he says. </p><p>You honk. He stumbles back a bit but does not fall. His feet are fire! How fancy. You jump down and try to peck them.</p><p>"Are you why all the rooms have been so empty this whole time?"</p><p>You waddle around him. </p><p>"...is that my butterfly? I've been looking for that EVERYWHERE, how did you...?"</p><p>Honk! Silly question. It belongs to the goose now.</p><p>The man shrugs. He breaks a jar and. And.</p><p>BREAD comes out!!</p><p>Bread!</p><p>You jump on it and gobble it down. </p><p>Nice bread man! Good bread man!</p><p>"Are you some kind of bat?" he asks.</p><p>Geese are MUCH better than bats. You honk your indignation, and he stumbles again.</p><p>"Do you want to come with me, through Elysium? I'll protect you."</p><p>Silly bread man! You will protect <em>him. </em>What do you want with protection? You peck at the breadcrumbs and look up at him.</p><p>"...you can have all the bread I find?"</p><p>You nod at that, pat-pat-pat toward the door. Good! Bread man understands! A fast learner.</p><p>"...remind me to thank Dusa," he mutters. </p><p>You do not know what a Dusa is, but this is alright. If Dusa brings bread, then Dusa must be alright. Perhaps she is the God of the Goose.</p><p>The man with fire feet and bread runs ahead with you. He kills the rats, and the goats, and all of the nasty things! </p><p>There is a room with a big fountain. You hop in and swim around in circles. Almost as good as a river! So nice!</p><p>The bread man is picking up a bag. You go to peck it. It is NOT bread.</p><p>"Yeah, I know," says the bread man. "Smells awful, right?" </p><p>You honk. </p><p>"Cerberus likes it."</p><p>What is a Cerberus?</p><p>Oh! Cerberus is the dog! Bread man and you jump on a glowing red platform, and there is a light, and then away goes the dog with the giant sack and the road is free, free!</p><p>"Here we go," the bread man mutters.</p><p>He pushes at the heavy doors, and...</p>
<hr/><p>There is sky.</p><p>There is light.</p><p>There is snow, and that is not the best, but there are also twigs and rocks! And a little river filled with sparkles! And...</p><p>A big, angry red someone?</p><p>"Hello, Father," the bread man sighs.</p><p>"WHAT. IS. THAT," says the angry one.</p><p>"I don't know. I think it might be...well, it's not a bat. Maybe one of the shades?"</p><p>"I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK IT CAN SAVE YOU."</p><p>"No, I know, I know...back to Tartarus, 'you can never escape,' I know the drill. But...I have to keep trying, I..."</p><p>The big angry one shrugs off his coat, grabs a pointy stick...</p><p>And tries to jab the bread man!</p><p>The big angry one is between you and the river! Between you and nesting spots, between you and mischief and the brave wide world! And he is attacking the man who brought bread and scared the dog away, and!</p><p>Oh no.</p><p>Not on your watch.</p><p>You honk! And he falls down.</p><p>You run! And skulls bounce off your shining feathers, back against the tall angry one.</p><p>You peck-peck-peck at his feet, and he tries to swat you, but you're fast, so fast!</p><p>The bread man's doing something, too. Running fast! Zapping things! Lots of lightning, lots of bright flashes! You are very proud. He is almost as good as a goose.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>The big angry one stands up, and light shoots out of him. How rude! That's cheating! Is he a sun? He doesn't look like a sun. You fly up, up, up, and you're above him! You can't fly above the sun.</p><p>There is only one thing to do.</p><p>You poop on his head, and suddenly, all the lights go out! And he falls down on all fours.</p><p>"I...WHY..."</p><p>The bread man is staring at you. "You did it," he breathes.</p><p>"WHEN I DEFEATED MY FATHER," says the angry one, "AT LEAST I DID IT WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS. NOT...THIS."</p><p>Well, no wonder he's so angry! Poor little hatchling. Doesn't he know the only thing better than <em>one </em>goose is <em>two </em>geese? You honk at him in sympathy. Poor lonely angry loud one.</p><p>He vanishes, into a red river that just sort of...disappears? How strange!</p><p>"You can come with me, shade. If you like," says the bread man.</p><p>Well, of course you like!</p><p>You follow the bread man out of the gate, honking as you go.</p>
<hr/><p>Now you live in a garden with sunshine and fruit all the time! It's so nice! And laundry! You steal the laundry, because you are a goose.</p><p>There is a lady here! Normally she is fun and makes nice squawking noises when you cause trouble, and gives you the best bread bits. But today she's sad. Poor lady.</p><p>"It's been a while since Zagreus came by," she murmurs.</p><p>You honk.</p><p>"Yes, ever since you went to fetch him." She pets your head. "I can't help him much, you know, in his journeys here. I wish I could."</p><p>You tap your feet and crane your neck.</p><p>"Perhaps you could," she says. "But that's too much to ask, I know..."</p><p>You honk again. Too much to ask? Too much for goose? There's no such thing!</p><p>"Little one," she says. "Would you please go back into hell and bring my son back for me? I know it must be difficult, for a goose to reach Tartarus and back, but..."</p><p>You ruffle your wing feathers into place, stretch your neck as high as it will go, and flap, flap, flap.</p><p>Go destroy the fire place again? Cause mischief and havoc and honk at strange birds, get free bread, and make the sad lady happy again?</p><p>It is a good task, a worthy task, a noble task...and still a mischief task! It is perfect.</p><p>It is a beautiful day in Persephone's garden, as you pat-pat-pat down to the River Styx, and you are a wonderful goose.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>STATS ON THIS RUN:</p><p>THE GOOSE:<br/>WEAPON: Being a goose, of course<br/>BOONS: Athena's Divine Dash, Chaos's Strike, and either Aphrodite's Heartbreak Flourish or Dionysus's Drunken Flourish (except now they make people fall down, too)<br/>KEEPSAKE: Pierced Butterfly (and yes, until the satyrs, our goose had a perfect run)</p><p>ZAGREUS<br/>WEAPON: I left this vague intentionally! Fill in your favorite<br/>BOONS: Hermes, Zeus<br/>KEEPSAKE: Dusa's feather duster</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p><p>1/28/21: Check out the comments for pickledragon's DELIGHTFUL Cthonic Companion Goose!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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